Cocaine Hippos: How drug funded hippopotamuses are ruining Colombia

Cocaine Hippos:
How drug funded hippopotamuses are ruining Colombia
By Isaac

If you have ever heard of the man by the name of Pablo Escobar, you would know that he was one of the richest people in the world and also a huge drug cartel owner. He had a lot of money and eventually started to run out of ideas on what to do with it. He started making car collections, buying expensive property, and he started his own private zoo. One day Pablo decided that the Hacienda Nápoles estate needed more than just money laundering and a private zoo. He wanted a safari park. So, he imported four hippos—because when you're smuggling cocaine, why not smuggle a few massive, aggressive herbivores too? These hippos, affectionately dubbed "cocaine hippos," were the ultimate status symbol. Forget gold-plated toilets; Escobar had hippos. But after his demise in 1993, these hippos were left to their own devices. After they escaped the zoo, they did what any self-respecting hippo would do: they multiplied like rabbits on steroids.

Fast forward to today, and Colombia is grappling with an estimated 169 hippos with projections suggesting the population could balloon to 1,000 by 2035 if left unchecked. These hippos have become the Romans of the animal kingdom—famous, invasive, and causing chaos wherever they go. They're not just lounging by the pool; they're terrorizing local ecosystems. Their nightly diet of 40 kg of grass per hippo means their waste is turning rivers into toxic soup, killing fish and threatening native species like manatees and capybaras. Allegedly hippos have a love for human settlements. Hippos have been spotted wandering into towns, causing traffic jams and, presumably, demanding snacks.

Also, lest we forget, these are not cute water cows. Hippos kill more people in Africa than lions, crocodiles, and sharks combined. They are tanks with teeth, capable of biting a crocodile in half. Imagine trying to explain to your insurance company that your Toyota Corolla was totaled by a rogue Escobar hippo. That’s where we are now.

The Colombian government’s response to this hippo epidemic has been... well, let’s just say if this were a test, they’d be repeating the year. Their genius plan for the hippos has three parts: sterilize them, relocate them, and—if someone finally grows a spine—maybe euthanize a few. Sterilization is costing $9,800 per hippo. That’s right, nearly ten grand per hippo to make sure they stop making more hippos. And they’re only doing around 40 per year, which is about as effective as trying to put out a wildfire with a squirt gun. Then there’s relocation. Colombia wants to ship dozens of these hippos to countries like India and Mexico. That plan’s expected to cost $3.5 million. Because apparently nothing screams “international diplomacy” like FedEx-ing 3-ton aquatic murder machines across the globe.

You know what’s not part of the plan? Just shooting the things. Why? Because apparently, we now care deeply about the feelings of animals illegally imported by a drug kingpin. Hippos are now protected under Colombian environmental law, and the public loves them. There’s even a faction of American animal rights activists—because of course there is—who have started a “Save the Hippos” campaign from the comfort of their air-conditioned homes in San Diego and Brooklyn. These people wouldn’t know a Colombian river if it flooded their Whole Foods. They see the hippos as charismatic megafauna, not the ecosystem-destroying poop-factories that they are.

But here's the part no one wants to talk about: this mess is costing Colombia millions. The sterilization program alone could balloon into tens of millions over the next decade. Relocating dozens of hippos could cost another $3.5 million. Meanwhile, a bullet costs about 50 cents. Let’s do the math: you could eliminate the problem for maybe a few thousand bucks, tops. But instead, the government is opting for the humanitarian “let’s fly the hippos to another continent” method. If aliens are watching us, they’re probably too embarrassed to invade.

Now, let’s entertain a truly fun nightmare: what happens if these hippos make it to the Amazon rainforest? Because yes, that is a real possibility. The Magdalena River system, where the hippos currently reside, connects through tributaries that could eventually allow them access to the Amazon basin. If that happens, you can kiss the whole idea of “containment” goodbye. The Amazon is already teetering on the edge thanks to deforestation, climate change, and illegal mining. Adding 3-ton aquatic tanks to the mix is not a great idea. In the Amazon, the hippos would find everything they need: water, food, and endless space to multiply. With no natural predators and minimal human intervention, the hippos would go full plague mode. They could outcompete native herbivores for resources, crush sensitive habitats, and basically act like invasive bulldozers with a bad attitude. And once they’re in the Amazon, it’s not just Colombia’s problem anymore—it becomes the whole world’s problem because the Amazon rainforest makes 6% of the world's Oxygen. That’s right: a couple of hungry hippos from a drug lord’s private zoo could end up disrupting the largest rainforest on Earth. All because no one wanted to hurt their feelings.

So what have we learned? That the Colombian government is spending millions sterilizing hippos, shipping them across the world like diplomatic envoys, and treating the entire issue like a sensitive PR campaign instead of an ecological crisis. That American activists have somehow made the lives of African hippos in South America their personal mission, ignoring the fact that they’re helping to destroy a unique ecosystem. And that all of this could have been solved years ago if someone had just said, “These hippos don’t belong here. Let’s remove them permanently.”

In conclusion, the cocaine hippos are the most absurd environmental problem in modern history. They were brought here by a drug lord, left to run wild by the government, protected by laws that make no sense, and championed by people who have never smelled a real river. The reality is this: invasive species don’t belong, no matter how cute they look on Instagram, that’s why they are called invasive. Colombia doesn’t need a sterilization budget—it needs a hunting permit. We’re spending millions to babysit a hippo infestation when a few marksmen and a weekend could solve the whole thing. The solution is simple: stop pretending they’re pets and start treating them like what they are—3 ton tanks with big teeth and bad attitudes that pose huge ecological threats.